250 Best Dad Jokes That Are Actually Funny

May 11, 2022, 7:29 PM UTC / Updated April 22, 2024, 2:02 PM UTC

There's never a bad time for a good joke, which makes having a supply of corny one-liners ready to go at a moment's notice, nothing short of essential.

To ensure you're well-stocked up with groan-worthy gags and terrible puns, we've got a comprehensive collection of dad jokes so amazing that even dads themselves will be duly impressed.

For example: Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor, naturally.

You ever wonder what lawyers wear to work? Lawsuits.

Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.

Along with wise-cracking witticisms, we've gathered our favorite knock-knock jokes along with plenty of clean jokes that are guaranteed to appeal to the whole family.

Speaking of peels, what do you call a shoe made from a banana? A slipper, of course.

If you liked that dumb joke, then you're going to love the rest of these cheesy anecdotes. But before we get started, we mustache you a question:

Did you hear the one about the cowboy who adopted a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.

Thank you, thank you very much. We'll be here all week.

Terrible dad jokes

What did one toilet say to the other? You appear a bit flushed.
Why are most people tired on April 1? They've just finished a 31-day March.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Why did the rabbit go to the salon? It was having a bad hare day.

Where do birds stay when they travel? Someplace cheep.
I enjoy telling bad puns. That's just how eye roll.
What should you do if your puppy isn't feeling well? Take him to the dog-tor.
Why can't leopards play hide-and-seek? Because they're always spotted.
What kind of felines can bowl? Alley cats.
Why did the man bring his watch to the bank? He wanted to save time.
Where do penguins go to vote? The North Poll.

How do you make a robot angry? Keep pushing his buttons.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a parking lot.
What's the best way to make a bandstand? Take away their chairs.
How do you light up a sports stadium? With a soccer match.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? They woke him up.
I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.

Why did the cow go to Hollywood? To be in the moo-vies.
Why aren't lobsters generous? Because they're shellfish.
Where do sheep go on vacation? The Baaaa-hamas.
I just flew in from California. Boy, are my arms tired!
Where did people hang out during medieval times? At knight clubs.
Why did the employee go work in stilts? He wanted a raise.

Best dad jokes

Did you hear about the cat that ate a lemon? Now it’s a sour puss.
How do mice floss their teeth? With string cheese.
What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher
What did one wall say to the other? I’ll meet you at the corner.

What do clouds wear beneath their pants? Thunderwear.
What kind of bagel can travel? A plain bagel.
When's the best time to call your dentist? Tooth-hurty.
What's the best way to catch a fish? Ask someone to throw it to you.
What do you call a cat with eight legs? An octo-puss.

What do you call an anxious fly? A jitterbug.
One did on potato chip say to the other? Let's go for a dip.
Why shouldn't you tell jokes to a duck? Because they'll quack up.
How did the piano get locked out of its car? It lost its keys.
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning? It had a conductor.
What do you call a fake dad? A faux pas.
How do you make an eggroll? You push it.
I've never been a fan of facial hair. But now it's starting to grow on me.

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory? Unfortunately, many soles were lost.
What do you call a pig who knows how to use a butcher knife? A pork chop.
What kind of fish knows how to do an appendectomy? A Sturgeon.
How do you hire a horse? Put up a ladder.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water? Because it was a little horse.
Is there anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Yes, hailing taxis.

Worst dad jokes

How many apples can you grow on a tree? All of them.
My manager told me to have a good day. So I didn't go into work.
What do kids play when they have nothing else to do? Bored games.
What did the boy say to his fingers? I'm counting on you.
What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap music.
What does cake and baseball have in common? They both need a batter.
When does Friday come before Thursday? In the dictionary.
What did the tree say when spring finally arrived? What a re-leaf.
How can you tell if a pig is hot? It's bacon.

Did you hear about the guy who afraid of hurdles? He got over it.
Why did the drum go to bed? It was beat.
What do you call a rude cow? Beef jerky.
Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.
How do you get a squirrel's attention? Act like a nut.
What did one volcano say to the other? I lava you.
Why did the computer catch cold? It left a window open.
How do you cook an alligator? With a croc-pot.
What did the earthquake say when it was done? Sorry, my fault!

Why did the computer go to bed? It needed to crash.
What do you give the dentist of the year? A little plaque.
What causes dry skin? A towel.
I went to buy a pair of camouflage pants, but I couldn’t find any.
How can you tell when a comic passes gas? Something smells funny.
What kind of bug can tell time? A clock-roach.
Why shouldn’t you trust trees? They seem shady.
What do lawyers wear to work? Law suits.

Stupid dad jokes

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
What do pigs use to clean up? Hogwash.
What's a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it's the "R," but it's really the "C."
What's a zebra? A couple sizes bigger than an A.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.

Did you hear about the broken guitar for sale? It comes with no strings attached.
I wanted to take a bath, but decided to leave it where it is.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why'd the roofer go to the doctor? He had shingles.
Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Summer wasn’t too bad either.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What should you do if you meet a giant? Use big words.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

Corny dad jokes

What sits on the seabed and has anxiety? A nervous wreck.
What do you call a man wearing a rug on his head? Matt.
What’s the best air to breathe if you want to be rich? Millionaire.
Why did the girl toss a clock out the window? She wanted to see time fly.

Once I read a book about glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Where do armies belong? In your sleevies.
What did one plate say to another plate? Tonight, dinner's on me.
Did you hear about the king that went to the dentist? He needed to get crowns.
What happens when doctors get frustrated? They lose their patients.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What kind of jewelry do rabbits wear? 14 carrot gold.

What do you call a cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Why did the girl bring a ladder on the bus? She wanted to go to high school.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Just in case he got a hole in one.
Why did the cowboy adopt a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Have you ever had a bad sausage? It’s the wurst.

What’s more unbelievable than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.
Why did the orange stop halfway across the road? It ran out of juice.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? It lost its filling.
Why did the whale blush? It saw the ocean’s bottom.
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to stop crying? You rocket.
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather? A shoe.
How do you stop a bull from charging? You cancel its credit card.
Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
Why are fish so smart? Because they swim in schools.
Why did the employee get fired from the keyboard factory? He wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Did you hear about the man who cut off his left leg? He’s all right now.

Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing? Something catchy!
What do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing. It just waved.
Why did the nose feel sad? It was always getting picked on.

Bad-but-good dad jokes

Why did the deer go to the dentist? It had buck teeth.
A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
Where does a sheep go to get a haircut? The baa baa shop.
Why did the poodle buy a clock? It wanted to be a watch dog.

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? It’s pasture bed time.
Why should you never use a dull pencil? Because it’s pointless.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.
Where did the cat go after losing its tail? The retail store.
What kind of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad.

What do you call a herd of sheep falling down a hill? A lambslide.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater.
What do you call a moose with no name? Anonymoose.
Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.
Why did the picture go to jail? He was framed.
What is a calendar’s favorite food? Dates.

Why do bananas wear sunscreen? Because they peel.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honey combs.
Why did the watch go on vacation? To unwind.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the computer get glasses? To improve its website.
What did the blanket say to the bed? I’ve got you covered.
What did the roof say to the shingle? The first one’s on the house.
What do you call birds that stick together? Velcrows
Why did the duck fall on the sidewalk? He tripped on a quack.
How do birds learn to fly? They wing it.

Did you hear about the walnut and cashew that threw a party? It was nuts.
Did the hear about the ice cream truck accident? It crashed on a rocky road.
What kind of bird works on a construction site? A crane.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I’m coming down with something.
What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.
How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent.
How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
What type of music do the planets enjoy? Neptunes.
Why did the phone wear glasses? Because it lost all its contacts.
Why do bakers work so hard? Because they knead dough.
Why are fish so easy to weigh? Because they have their own set of scales.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law.
What do you give a scientist with bad breath? Experi-mints.
What did Benjamin Franklin say when he discovered electricity? Nothing. He was too shocked.
What do you call a medieval lamp? A knight light.
What did one hat say to the other? You go on ahead.
Why did the frog take the bus to work? His car got toad.
What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs.
How can you tell the difference between a dog and tree? By their bark.
Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they like to fight knights.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? It was outstanding in its field.

Did you hear about the 12-inch dog? It was a foot long.
Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole third base.
What did one piece of tape say to the other? Let’s stick together.

Best dad jokes for kids

What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How does the rancher keep track of his cattle? With a cow-culator.
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.
How you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.
Where do boats go when they’re sick? To the dock.
Can February March? No, but April May!
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to go spreading it!
What’s a scarecrow’s favorite fruit? Straw-berries
Where do burgers go dancing? At the meatball.
What time do ducks wake up? At the quack of dawn.
Why was the broom late? It over-swept.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree.
Where do books hide when they’re afraid? Under their covers.
How do trees get on the internet? They log in.
What does a painter do when he gets cold? Puts on another coat.
What did the calculator say to the pencil? You can count on me.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
What do cows like to read? Cattle-logs.

How did the farmer fix his torn overalls? With a cabbage patch.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish? Swimming trunks.
What kind of cereal do leprechauns eat? Lucky Charms.
What do you call recently-married spiders? Newly-webs.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado.
Why can’t you trust a balloon? It’s full of hot air.
What do you get when you cross a Smurf and a cow? Blue cheese.
What happens when ice cream gets angry? It has a meltdown.
How do celebrities keep cool? They have many fans.

What do you call a locomotive carrying bubble gum? A chew chew train.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say “cheese.”
Why couldn’t the bike stand up on its own? It was too tired.
What do you call a sheep that knows karate? A lamb chop.
Why did the snowman buy a bag of carrots? He wanted to pick his nose.
What did the Dalmatian say after dinner? That hit the spot.
How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see its wheels turning.

What does a librarian use to go fishing? A bookworm.
What did one leaf say to the other? I’m falling for you.
Where’s the one place you should never take your dog? A flea market.
How does Darth Vader like his bagels? On the dark side.
What do you call spaghetti in disguise? An impasta.
Where do elephants store luggage? In a trunk.

Best dad jokes for adults

Why do birds fly south? Because it’s too far to walk.
What do you call a fly with a sore throat? A hoarse fly.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines — but cats-can.
Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.
If you see a robbery at an Apple store, does that make you an iWitness?
I had a date last night. It was perfect. Tomorrow, I’ll have a grape.
Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be just-water.

It was an emotional wedding — even the cake was in tiers.
Why did Waldo go to therapy? To find himself.
I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
Our vacuum cleaner is getting old. It's just gathering dust.
Why did the thief take a shower before robbing the bank? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why was the traffic light late to work? It took too long to change.
Why do hamburgers go south for the winter? So they don’t freeze their buns.
Why didn’t the sun go to college? It already had a million degrees.
What do you call someone who can’t stick to a diet? A desserter.